Putting this 'out there' is a powerful testament to your sense of integrity, Frances. Anyone worth considering has understanding for your and Dan's situation at that time. I am convinced that for the people who trade from malicious gossip, blame, self-righteousness, and judgement, things will not end well. Such people are caught in the age old trap of divide and rule. Your honesty and magnificent strength (which they rely on us not to have), allows us to mend, thereby disarming their domination.
At that time I had no awareness of lofty ideals. I felt sullied, stained and abused. I had lived well, with more than enough wealth but I had not been happy at all. In fact, despite appearances to the contrary, I had been deeply miserable for the entire time that I lived in Aberdeenshire.
Everyone around me there was utterly materialistic and I was a square peg in a round hole. My hippy values had been sacrificed for Tony's career prospects and his contempt for me was unfathomable.
Spending that summer with the Peace Convoy helped me to remember who I was but that did not fit with how Clacton had changed. It seemed as if I could not fit in anywhere. I was lonely and silent. When people asked me why I left Tony, I never mentioned that I had discovered him to be gay or bisexual. I just referred to his drunkenness as my reason.
I kept the secret to protect Dan from this truth about his father, but.... he knew. He had worked it out for himself.
Frances, I have been reading your autobiography for many many hours today. I can’t tear myself away. I’ve laughed, cried and cheered. Your writing is powerful. Thank you for sharing your life. What a strong woman you are. As you started to tell of Tony’s drinking and it escalating, I kept asking myself, what happened to him - child abuse? What is he feeling so shameful and angry about? I will keep reading and maybe it will be revealed beyond his homosexuality. I wonder if you questioned it too. I can’t begin to imagine the grief you experienced with this heartache - all of it. Something you wrote early on, “ Silence is mistaken for peace, don’t you find?” What a powerful question/words. Yes, I do….
Yep - I have seen loads of these already. I report them to the substack writers as they appear. I have tried notifying Substack helpline, no reply yet.
How heart wrenching. You are a true survivor Frances. Thank you for being such an ideal role model for endurance and capability and sharing your experiences with us. Hugs!
Oh my, Frances. I hope this was cathartic writing this. It's not easy, sharing such intimate life details with the world. I have to say I was silently cheering that you finally left Tony. I'm hoping it was for good. It's wonderful that you and your Dan have remained close. xo
I found writing this particular episode very hard. There is more spiteful stuff to come. But you can be assured that I did divorce Tony - for what good it ever did. You will see what I mean in future episodes.
I was trying not to become a nuisance in your comm section Frances but OMG. I have been reading nonstop as it is so engrossing and I wanted to catch up. I love your sense of humor when you finally have some laughable moments! I just found you so relatable from the start...then the ultimate Tony thing... I had more or less same issue w my husband. I left him twice. When we did live together it was more like brother and sister. I was suspect but only found out the truth about him after he died, among other things.
Ohh nooo! I got up to chapter 29 and SS is having a technical problem! But I did read 28, you will think I'm crazy. I was turned on to medicinal western herbs in 1980. After years of my own studying I took a course that included TCM. I have been into Eastern philosophy and Buddhism since 1970. I can't wait to see what comes of your new job! It's funny bc I was never a good student of history probably the way it was taught. After 911 history and politics have become very important. I loved London and England and would move there in a heartbeat if I could. The history and political arena of that sq mi of London and the connections our countries still have has been hidden for so long. Seems like so many loose ends are starting to come together in the midst of all the madness. Does it seem that way to you as well?
Sorry I missed this important comment when you made it back in July. I think the Black Nobs WANT us to connect up all the loose ends. They are so sadistic that they are enjoying watching our disgust and rage festering with NOWHERE to go to relief it. What court in this world will prosecute them? None. What institution is there which will challenge their authority and bring them down? They own them ALL.
I was discussing this with my son and other friends. Oddly, people look to me for a solution and I can offer only one.
We keep going, we fucking survive and we work to expose the sordid details, warts and all. I don't know if that will be enough to shame them and make them change. My friends do not think so.....
Spiritually we have no choice. They are as much a part of this Universe as any of us are. We have to make them CHANGE. We have to lead them out of their hellish ways, there is no other way!
If we were to kill them, what would happen? They would reincarnate more evil, more angry, more hateful. They would not have allowed even a chink of light to enter their souls.
We must confront them and love them back to health.
Now I know that requires a gargantuan effort, a huge capacity for forgiveness but it is only by showing forgiveness that we can reincorporate these pariahs back into the life force rather than always trying to control and suck it dry.
That is why my mission is so very important. In this life or the next, or maybe in 20 or 200 more lives.... I WILL REACH THE END OF THIS MISSION. They will never stop me.
Painful but cathartic I hope. Compelling and immersive. Love these stories. I grew up on the Golf Links Estate in Southall in the 70s. Tower block with Deaf Parents. Vividly remember EVERYTHING including being taken out of the nursery by my grandparents to see my mum and newly born brother aged 2 1/2. You inspire me to chronicle some of my life before I pop my clogs. Procrastinating is my super power but....
A heart tap for love and support not just a “like.” Saying things out loud and putting them in print to be heard and read are a matter of magical timing for each of us in either side of any such equation. I heard an amazing song the other night written by an amazing African American musician and performed in 1968: “Just say I am, You are, We are....” was the refrain.
No adequate words here either. Just compassion. Stopped me in my tracks for a review and contemplation of mine, and everyone’s relatables. Giving myself a needed attitude adjustment today-empathy & compassion.
Oh Frances, I'm so sorry you've been through such hell.
I just woke to a memory that suddenly became clear to me. People can get so lost and so cruel in their inability... to deal with their own, shall I say shit.
I have never explained all that to anyone until now. Dan and I haven't even mentioned it between ourselves. We simply let it lie and tried our best to move on.
However, the merest mention of AIDS always triggers the memories and, given that prominent scientists have queried whether HIV was ever the culprit, I cannot help but remember how many synthetic drugs were suddenly introduced to the scene in the 80s. What a mess it all was.... no wonder people's immune systems were collapsing!
Friends of mine began changing dramatically. Some were very underweight, others either lost their hair or acquired white streaks. Couples were breaking up left and right. Our huge social circle, which had filled the house to say goodbye to us in 1979, was in tatters by 1981. The atmosphere of 'love and peace' was replaced by distrust and drug addiction.
I believe in the importance of speaking out. As I think many of your readers are saying as well. What my father did is not my shame, even though it is still embedded in me and I will always have to do the work of it.
What's been done to humans is so reprehensible. In the name of so many 'contagious diseases'. I used to be a dancer and was not in the community when this travesty started. I often wonder what became of so many I knew.
You didn't know. You didn't know how to help Tony. You were in overwhelm.
Thanks for the lovely compliment on my writing! It may seem weird, but hearing that I am not the only person who had to face up to discovering smutty secrets about a loved one, helps a lot. Thanks for kindly mentioning your story here.
PREVIOUS EPISODES are listed in the pinned comment here - https://francesleader.substack.com/p/sunday-in-memory-lane-episode-13
Putting this 'out there' is a powerful testament to your sense of integrity, Frances. Anyone worth considering has understanding for your and Dan's situation at that time. I am convinced that for the people who trade from malicious gossip, blame, self-righteousness, and judgement, things will not end well. Such people are caught in the age old trap of divide and rule. Your honesty and magnificent strength (which they rely on us not to have), allows us to mend, thereby disarming their domination.
At that time I had no awareness of lofty ideals. I felt sullied, stained and abused. I had lived well, with more than enough wealth but I had not been happy at all. In fact, despite appearances to the contrary, I had been deeply miserable for the entire time that I lived in Aberdeenshire.
Everyone around me there was utterly materialistic and I was a square peg in a round hole. My hippy values had been sacrificed for Tony's career prospects and his contempt for me was unfathomable.
Spending that summer with the Peace Convoy helped me to remember who I was but that did not fit with how Clacton had changed. It seemed as if I could not fit in anywhere. I was lonely and silent. When people asked me why I left Tony, I never mentioned that I had discovered him to be gay or bisexual. I just referred to his drunkenness as my reason.
I kept the secret to protect Dan from this truth about his father, but.... he knew. He had worked it out for himself.
Frances, I have been reading your autobiography for many many hours today. I can’t tear myself away. I’ve laughed, cried and cheered. Your writing is powerful. Thank you for sharing your life. What a strong woman you are. As you started to tell of Tony’s drinking and it escalating, I kept asking myself, what happened to him - child abuse? What is he feeling so shameful and angry about? I will keep reading and maybe it will be revealed beyond his homosexuality. I wonder if you questioned it too. I can’t begin to imagine the grief you experienced with this heartache - all of it. Something you wrote early on, “ Silence is mistaken for peace, don’t you find?” What a powerful question/words. Yes, I do….
That was quite the unspeakable act of Hooverism. I certainly wasn’t expecting THAT.
I don’t know how you could have prepared for the unexpected when the unexpected in these vignettes are so “out of left field”!
Story of my life, quite literally!
🚨🚨🚨 Mrs frances be aware https://open.substack.com/pub/sagehana/p/dear-substack-readers-and-writers?r=ykqw5&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
Yep - I have seen loads of these already. I report them to the substack writers as they appear. I have tried notifying Substack helpline, no reply yet.
How heart wrenching. You are a true survivor Frances. Thank you for being such an ideal role model for endurance and capability and sharing your experiences with us. Hugs!
Powerfully evocative stuff...
The human experience goes from such highs to such abysmal lows sometimes...
Thanks for sharing such very personal memories. xo xo
Oh my, Frances. I hope this was cathartic writing this. It's not easy, sharing such intimate life details with the world. I have to say I was silently cheering that you finally left Tony. I'm hoping it was for good. It's wonderful that you and your Dan have remained close. xo
I found writing this particular episode very hard. There is more spiteful stuff to come. But you can be assured that I did divorce Tony - for what good it ever did. You will see what I mean in future episodes.
I was trying not to become a nuisance in your comm section Frances but OMG. I have been reading nonstop as it is so engrossing and I wanted to catch up. I love your sense of humor when you finally have some laughable moments! I just found you so relatable from the start...then the ultimate Tony thing... I had more or less same issue w my husband. I left him twice. When we did live together it was more like brother and sister. I was suspect but only found out the truth about him after he died, among other things.
You are not a nuisance at all - feel free to comment as much as you like! I love to hear how my autobio impacts people. The responses are so varied.
Ohh nooo! I got up to chapter 29 and SS is having a technical problem! But I did read 28, you will think I'm crazy. I was turned on to medicinal western herbs in 1980. After years of my own studying I took a course that included TCM. I have been into Eastern philosophy and Buddhism since 1970. I can't wait to see what comes of your new job! It's funny bc I was never a good student of history probably the way it was taught. After 911 history and politics have become very important. I loved London and England and would move there in a heartbeat if I could. The history and political arena of that sq mi of London and the connections our countries still have has been hidden for so long. Seems like so many loose ends are starting to come together in the midst of all the madness. Does it seem that way to you as well?
Sorry I missed this important comment when you made it back in July. I think the Black Nobs WANT us to connect up all the loose ends. They are so sadistic that they are enjoying watching our disgust and rage festering with NOWHERE to go to relief it. What court in this world will prosecute them? None. What institution is there which will challenge their authority and bring them down? They own them ALL.
I was discussing this with my son and other friends. Oddly, people look to me for a solution and I can offer only one.
We keep going, we fucking survive and we work to expose the sordid details, warts and all. I don't know if that will be enough to shame them and make them change. My friends do not think so.....
Spiritually we have no choice. They are as much a part of this Universe as any of us are. We have to make them CHANGE. We have to lead them out of their hellish ways, there is no other way!
If we were to kill them, what would happen? They would reincarnate more evil, more angry, more hateful. They would not have allowed even a chink of light to enter their souls.
We must confront them and love them back to health.
Now I know that requires a gargantuan effort, a huge capacity for forgiveness but it is only by showing forgiveness that we can reincorporate these pariahs back into the life force rather than always trying to control and suck it dry.
That is why my mission is so very important. In this life or the next, or maybe in 20 or 200 more lives.... I WILL REACH THE END OF THIS MISSION. They will never stop me.
Who is with me?
Painful but cathartic I hope. Compelling and immersive. Love these stories. I grew up on the Golf Links Estate in Southall in the 70s. Tower block with Deaf Parents. Vividly remember EVERYTHING including being taken out of the nursery by my grandparents to see my mum and newly born brother aged 2 1/2. You inspire me to chronicle some of my life before I pop my clogs. Procrastinating is my super power but....
It's just a habit of doing...
A heart tap for love and support not just a “like.” Saying things out loud and putting them in print to be heard and read are a matter of magical timing for each of us in either side of any such equation. I heard an amazing song the other night written by an amazing African American musician and performed in 1968: “Just say I am, You are, We are....” was the refrain.
No adequate words here either. Just compassion. Stopped me in my tracks for a review and contemplation of mine, and everyone’s relatables. Giving myself a needed attitude adjustment today-empathy & compassion.
Oh Frances, I'm so sorry you've been through such hell.
I just woke to a memory that suddenly became clear to me. People can get so lost and so cruel in their inability... to deal with their own, shall I say shit.
Group scream?
I have never explained all that to anyone until now. Dan and I haven't even mentioned it between ourselves. We simply let it lie and tried our best to move on.
However, the merest mention of AIDS always triggers the memories and, given that prominent scientists have queried whether HIV was ever the culprit, I cannot help but remember how many synthetic drugs were suddenly introduced to the scene in the 80s. What a mess it all was.... no wonder people's immune systems were collapsing!
Friends of mine began changing dramatically. Some were very underweight, others either lost their hair or acquired white streaks. Couples were breaking up left and right. Our huge social circle, which had filled the house to say goodbye to us in 1979, was in tatters by 1981. The atmosphere of 'love and peace' was replaced by distrust and drug addiction.
I believe in the importance of speaking out. As I think many of your readers are saying as well. What my father did is not my shame, even though it is still embedded in me and I will always have to do the work of it.
What's been done to humans is so reprehensible. In the name of so many 'contagious diseases'. I used to be a dancer and was not in the community when this travesty started. I often wonder what became of so many I knew.
You didn't know. You didn't know how to help Tony. You were in overwhelm.
Out of words right now...❤️
Thanks for the lovely compliment on my writing! It may seem weird, but hearing that I am not the only person who had to face up to discovering smutty secrets about a loved one, helps a lot. Thanks for kindly mentioning your story here.