I am doing everything I can to control pain. It would help if I could locate it more precisely, but it feels as if it extends throughout my entire being. It isn’t excruciating. It is more like a dull perpetual ache and I know it is there, because sometimes it breaks free from my iron grip and releases in a sudden involuntary sob which catches me by surprise.
I have sought the source of it through meditation and I have wrestled with it when it engulfs me in my quiet moments.
It is a sadness, not for myself, but for us….. all of us.
It is a sadness fed by images and words that invade my consciousness from this laptop.
I often remember, with great nostalgia, the last time I lived my life without an internet connection.
I was on my fruit farm, off-grid in the foothills of the Sierra de Gredos, surrounded by the trees and animals for whom I worked full time. My life was repetitive, simple and all I did was respond to that which was in front of me in the moment. There was always something to do or think about. Something to invent or change. I rose to the challenges one by one and my rewards were intangible but precious observations of my trees and animals reaping the benefits of my efforts.
That was 14 years ago.
Since then I have lost all of that. I made a huge mistake. I panicked when the 2008 financial crash took away my meagre income from teaching English and I sold the farm, scurried back to England only to watch my interest in life dwindle as quickly as my bank balance. My precious furry friends died of old age, all within the same fateful year and I was left alone, aimless and hopeless.
There have been many times in my past, that I have had to pick myself up from rock bottom. This time, I had no reason to be anywhere in particular, so I immersed myself in the world I found through my laptop screen. I found social media. I quickly became addicted to it. It filled my days and it inspired me to learn about people and places and things……
BUT - does it make me happy?
At this point I have to refer you back to the song and the first paragraphs of this post.
I will leave it at that, dear readers.
Crowding in upon us and constellating in our midst is a very great evil.
We need to see it and know it and call it out and warn others.
But we also need to cultivate a world -- much like a garden in the middle of a sprawling metropolis - apart from all of this. One that is good, animated by love, and wonder.
We can only help to set the world in order if we ourselves are properly ordered. On a plane, if the oxygen drops, put your mask on first; then you can help others.
Be careful with your attention. Whatever you gaze upon you slowly become.
We have one another. We're going to be okay.
One of your self identified, across the Atlantic soul cousins, reading your resonating words. My take on the last almost three years, is that I (still) move in, out, (and through) what feels like "shock" daily.
I got out of the city and headed for the hills literally and intuitively ,2 1/2 yrs. ago. As close to nature as I could get. What could be better, more restorative, closer to God? Fortunately I did not have to negotiate (for once) anything with anybody. My call, my life, my decisions, my responsibility. What seems to help me the most, when I'm at loose ends, is a gratitude list. And I can tell you, it's a very long one!! Besides that a personal life questions list, in case my higher power would like to know I'm always listening. You wouldn't believe the answers that have come, and the curiousity satisfied before thanks is offered. Really remarkable!!
But once again, I totally identify with that sense of grief and anxiety you have as well. I think those of us here on earth at this time, have been chosen for reasons still unclear. I'm delighted by the connections I would have missed without the internet, however I too am increasingly cautious and disciplined at the siren's call. For me no social media ever, and have told all those I loved, now no email, please send cards and letters or call my landline. Somewhat reluctantly most have, what's left of the old friends and family, and it's appreciated. Hugs and courage to you Francis and compatriots.