MATERNAL INSTINCT

A deeply personal story about being a mother to everything younger than me

I was three years old when I let the budgerigar out of his cage in front of an open window in London. I danced with joy when he flew away.

Later that day my father was tasked with the awkward job of telling me that I was a naughty girl. He made it clear. The local birds would have attacked and killed my beautiful green and yellow friend. But I did not believe him. I gazed out of the window at the several shades of grey and I knew that my friend was brightening up the world - somewhere.

For a very brief period we had a kitten but it disappeared. When I asked about it I was told that I had “smothered” it. I did not know what this meant. Much later my mother explained that I had cuddled it too much. I don’t know if I killed it or they just took it away from me. I became afraid to love living things - I did not want to hurt them.

When I was about ten years old I was given a gorgeous long-haired tuxedo kitten. I named him Mickey and he slept with me in my bed. When he became adult, my mother complained that he was “spraying” the house and making it stink. He was confined to my bedroom after that, so I would leave a window open for him to come and go as necessary. I never noticed any “stink”.

At thirteen I was obliged to leave home. Divorce had wrecked my mother. I left in such a hurry I completely forgot about Mickey. I moved into a room above a public house at the same time as a German Shepherd puppy was beginning his guard dog training. We became great friends. I sent my cat Mickey “mind-messages” to find a new mummy. I remember that sending these messages always made me cry but Max, the puppy, would lick my tears away to bring me back to the “now”.

All my spare time beyond school hours from then until I was seventeen was dedicated to Max. I played football with him, went on long exploratory walks with him and shared my bedroom with him. His guarding instincts were extremely sharp and he required doors to be left open throughout the building so that he could pad around his territory all day and night. He had grown into a massive, obedient, soppy lump who could turn wolf in a split second. I was so sad to say goodbye to him but, obviously, I had to move on when I left school.

By the time I was nineteen years old, I was married, had my own home, a border collie called Dylan and a tabby cat called Nicky. At twenty my life burst into joy. I delivered a baby boy, Daniel and Nicky birthed four kittens on the same day!

Our household was blissful! Two young adult humans, one baby, one super-dog, one cat, four kittens and lots of visiting friends.

Tony and Fran 1973

Tony was one of twelve children and he wanted a large family for himself. So did I.
We didn’t know why, but I never got pregnant again. I consulted the doctor and gynaecologists but nobody seemed to think there was anything wrong.

The years flew by and every month my menstrual period would be bang on time. It began to distress me. Then it became unbearable but I did not talk about it with anyone. I just kept hoping.

Suddenly, out of the blue, something in me snapped. I was passing forty by then. I broke down and accepted that I was not going to have any more children.

I meditated and, after some time, decided to adopt the entire world!

This commitment resolved my anxiety and distress instantly!
Nobody needed to know!
I could simply take the attitude of a mother towards everyone younger than myself.

What a terrific solution to an otherwise insurmountable grief!

I don’t know if anyone noticed the change in me but I remember a sense of freedom came with it. I stopped noticing my menstrual cycle and, interestingly, it sputtered to a halt quite soon, when I was forty-seven. I can’t say I miss it at all.

The new sense of freedom spilled over to send me on many interesting journeys, making new businesses, meeting new friends, finding new companion animals, rescuing and healing like any good mother does for her children. I was ecstatic.

My maternal instinct was a blood red etheric and invisible veil that settled imperceptibly onto every soul it encountered.

It became my secret weapon.
My super power.
My soul’s greatest expression.
It is my greatest joy.

MEET MY LATEST ADOPTEES!

Right now I have an egg box on my kitchen window sill.
It is an incubator for six tiny baby plants nestled into my best homemade compost.
Three of them are Erigeron Karvinskianus, a Mexican ground covering plant with miniature multi-coloured daisies which I am hoping will grow well to fill three small empty corners in my garden.

Two of them are cherry tomato plants which will form vines later on.

The most tiny of them all has the potential to grow into a giant, healing, essential plant which is hated by most authorities. Obviously, I am trying to compensate this innocent life by heaping on extra helpings of loving affection whenever I am in the kitchen. I mean…. who would hate a defenceless plant? Are they mentally challenged, these people?

Catchya later lovelies! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

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