The entire Christmas holiday went by in such a flash that neither Olympia nor Diamond even opened their iPhones nor did they update their Instagram accounts. I mean, what could they have shared with their fans?
The mad dawn scramble to collect Olympia, Khan and Dave, the three soggy sailors and transport them to toast by the open fire at the Dorset cottage was an adventure all of itself.
Frank had risen to the challenge with his usual enthusiasm. Diamond had managed to persuade him not to dress up as a smuggler or pirate…. they had giggled their way throughout the whole episode and Olympia was thrilled with her sister’s newly acquired joy. Khan and Dave had their priorities on supplies and had stripped the SeaSwan of everything consumable - especially the rum and an unusually large number of over-stuffed Caribbean tobacco pouches.
On Boxing Day, Pru had given up trying to contact the Duhdashian sisters and had called Fanny, in the hope of getting some news. A man answered Fanny’s phone and she was a little confused by that. Then Fanny took over the call and explained that the family had decamped to Dorset. Fanny passed the phone to Diamond who could hardly speak for laughing. “Oh hi, Pru!” she giggled, “Happy Christmas!” Pru complained that it could not possibly be a happy Christmas while she had so many appointments pending and her two most important clients were playing hard to get.
There was some muffled discussion at the other end of the line and Pru waited for her response. Diamond spoke, “Pru, darling. We have been really beastly to you! Why don’t you pack an overnight bag and come to stay with us for a day or two?”
Pru could not believe it.
Never once had either of the Duhdashian sisters invited her anywhere. She was thinking that Tarky had been right about the existence of a ‘personality-ectomy’ - she spluttered something incoherent and Diamond interjected “Right! That’s settled then! I will text you the address and postcode for your SatNav, OK? Catchya later!” and she hung up.
Pru was astounded. She stood in front of her wardrobe, pulled out her trolley suitcase and laid it on the bed. She began to select clothing when the address appeared by text from Diamond. “Dorset? Goodness me! That’s miles away!” and she rummaged for her jeans, thick jumpers and wellington boots.
Dave, Khan and Frank had taken to holding pow-wows in the garden shed at the cottage. Their excuse, given to the ladies, was that they could not smoke indoors. Frank’s mother had strict rules about that sort of thing and Frank had set up the garden shed for his own use, whenever he visited his mother. Frank’s shed was a treasure trove of items he had picked up during his many overseas assignments. He kept it locked for good reasons. He loved having guests, during his mother’s absence, and was keen to show Khan and Dave his crossbow, collection of knives and assorted weaponry. They set up a battered old target and practised using these items while giggling like schoolboys. Olympia and Diamond, watching from the cottage window, were busy catching up on all the gossip. Olympia admired Diamond’s new waistline and was thrilled when Diamond wore the multi-coloured dress she had bought in Grenada for all of Christmas Day. The colours matched her exuberance, which was something Olympia had never seen oozing out of her younger sister before.
“Are you in love with Frank?” Olympia asked boldly and Diamond cringed slightly. “Oh I don’t know…. maybe!” and they both laughed. “I am in love with Khan.” Stated Olympia with a slightly fearful expression. She sometimes felt as if she still had sea legs whenever she looked at Khan. This was something very new to Olympia and seemed involuntary, which was most disconcerting.
When Pru arrived, Dave greeted her at the gate, introducing himself as “Dave, Cap’n of the SeaSwan, at your service ma’am!” and he carried her bags into the cottage where everyone was gathering for dinner. Pru, plied with champagne and canapes, was overwhelmed by the music and being entertained by three gorgeous men, who she was not expecting at all. Frank had taken the cover off his mother’s piano and was plonking wildly, Khan was playing guitar as if he was in a rock band and Dave was banging his bongos, trying not to laugh while singing:
Followed by:
The renditions were a chaotic mess which had everyone laughing until they cried. Dave picked up his tobacco pouch and declared “Smoko!” The three mad musicians left their instruments of torture and went out to the garden shed with Khan trying to do a Cockney accent but failing.
Olympia and Diamond answered all Pru’s questions honestly. No, they did not want to attend Dribbly Dick’s premiere, not even if the Royals were invited. No, they were not up for any photoshoots with Tarky. No, they had no intention of updating their Instagram accounts. Pru was stunned. Only three months ago, she could not line up enough publicity for this pair of social influencers. Now, they were opting for complete anonymity! They were dressed in fluffy socks, ski pants and oversized Christmas jumpers. They wore no makeup and were planning to go horse-riding the following day. They were cleaning up the debris from dinner and chattering while they loaded the dishwasher. They were happy and that, above all the other strangeness, was the most amazing thing of all.
Pru needed to smoke a joint. Everything would make sense if she could just do that, so she ventured out to the garden shed and knocked on the door.
“Come in!” smiled Frank, confident that his stubbly chin was baffling Pru, who kept looking at him as if she recognised him, but could not quite place from where…… He toyed with the idea of coming clean and confessing to being Fanny, but thought it best left unsaid for now. He passed Pru the joint he happened to have in his hand and she took it gratefully. “This has been a wonderful surprise!” Pru admitted. “I wasn’t expecting to see the girls so happy!” All three men grinned but politely refrained from making bawdy comments, even though they were brimming with them.
Instead, Khan began talking about the SeaSwan and their wild dash across the Atlantic. Dave was saying that he wanted to check into the moorings the following day. “Would you like to come and see the lady of my life?” he asked Pru. “I just want to make sure she is tucked up, safe and sound!” Pru smiled and accepted the invitation with a shyness that did not fit her usual business-like demeanour.
It seemed, that within less than 6 hours she had caught the contagious happiness and suddenly, everything turned kaleidoscopically colourful. “That’s good gear!” she remarked, and everyone laughed through the clouds of smoke filling the garden shed.
To access all the episodes of this ludicrous fictional tale of social media influencers and their self indulgent life, simply go to the pinned comment on:
Episode 17 -https://francesleader.substack.com/p/diamonds-are-occasionally-dim