Frank went into the office for the first time in months and immediately felt the oppressive early morning silence within that mausoleum. It never changed. His objective was to file a report on Dimitri Olenksi and let the powers that be decide to proceed or not. Deciding such things was way above his pay-grade and Frank had more than three weeks medical leave before he was officially back on the job.
He did not think that his superiors would act upon the report. He was aware that his evidence was thin, so he was toying with plans which might whisk Diamond out of London without alarming her or drawing attention from the paparazzi. The formulation of the best plan was distracting him for a time, but then he settled upon a solution and that became his focus. He finished his report and was running around the park by 10am.
When he arrived home, with only two days to go before Christmas, he immediately packed two suitcases for Diamond and one for himself. He loaded them into the back seat of the car. He then raced upstairs to his room and changed into all black clothing, gloves, balaclava and mirrored goggles, just as Diamond let herself in through the front door.
“Hello?” she called, but Frank froze. The silence in the house puzzled Diamond momentarily, but she shrugged and went to the kitchen, gasping for a coffee.
Frank quietly negotiated the stairs and arrived unheard at the kitchen door. Behaving like a raving ninja, he dived on Diamond bundled her head into a sack and wrapped her arms to her body with a quick spin in clingfilm. Diamond was shrieking like a thing possessed and nearly knocked them both off their feet with her thrashing about. Frank, grunting and groaning, finally got her thrown into the boot of the car, jumped into the driving seat and hurtled out into the London traffic removing his balaclava and goggles as he went.
He had the nerve to nod in greeting to the next door neighbour. Diamond was still screaming, so he hoped that his heavy acceleration had covered the noise.
A minute later Diamond stopped screaming and kicking. This worried Frank. He realised that his hastily hatched plan may not have actually avoided alarming Diamond. In fact, she may be rather angry or maybe she had fainted? Eventually, Frank had to stop the car to check. As soon as he opened the boot, he was kicked in the stomach. Diamond’s voice was spitting fury, “Frank! You get me out of this right now, I tell you!”
”How did you know it was me?” Frank gasped, clutching his belly.
“Oh for fucks sake, Frank!” scorned Diamond, “You use that same aftershave every day, you fastidious twat!” All this took place in a layby on the M25. Frank sheepishly pulled the potato sack off Diamond’s head and set about trying to undo the clingfilm wrap. “What the fuck were you thinking?” demanded Diamond looking around at eight lanes of noisy traffic, “and where are we going?”
Frank helped Diamond into the passenger seat and walked around the car feeling like a complete idiot. Without daring to look her in the face, Frank re-joined the traffic and continued to drive away from London. Dreaming up the lamest excuse he had ever laid before a disgruntled lady, Frank declared, pathetically: “I thought you might like a bit of all-action role play!” and when that was greeted with outraged silence, he further compounded his stupidity by saying, “I have always wanted to kidnap an heiress! But it is not the sort of assignment we get these days. All the romance has gone out of the civil services…..” and he trailed off, while negotiating the intense Friday evening traffic.
”So where are we going?” asked Diamond, finger combing her screwed up hair. She sounded remarkably cheerful and Frank, sensed that he was forgiven…. ish. He wouldn’t tell her where they were going though. Oh no. Christmas was going to be the most romantic Christmas in the history of romantic Christmases, he promised himself that.
—0—
Olympia had lost track of the days so she finished cleaning the galley and went up into the wheelhouse where Khan and Dave were discussing geo-politics. She tried to see what the date and time were on the ship’s computer. “What’s the ETA?” She asked Dave. “We could dock in Poole on Christmas morning!” he suggested. Olympia was stunned, “Are you sure? That is incredible!” And she dived back down the steps to fish her iPhone out from its hidey-hole under the bed. She phoned Diamond and, as usual, was diverted to voice-mail, where she left a message: “Hi Dim, arriving UK, Xmas morn! Pick us up from Poole?” and returned to the deck to enjoy the milder warm breeze that was driving them home.
—0—
Diamond marvelled at the coincidence, when she heard the message from Olympia an hour later. Frank was, at that very moment, driving across the Dorset border.
“Oh, I love Dorset!” Diamond exclaimed. “Are we going to Durdle Door? Oh c’mon Frank, tell me where we are going!” and he winked but drew his finger across his lips to indicate that they were sealed. Diamond did not have to wait very much longer. Frank pulled the car off the road and onto a concealed gravel drive between high hedges which led towards a tight bend ahead. Then the cottage was framed, central in the front windscreen and Frank braked.
“Oh.My.God.” Squealed Diamond, jumping out of the car. “Is this for us? Is it really? Oh.My.God. Oh…..My…..God!!”
To access all the episodes of this ludicrous fictional tale of social media influencers and their self indulgent life, simply go to the pinned comment on:
Episode 17 -https://francesleader.substack.com/p/diamonds-are-occasionally-dim