I was in my middle twenties when I realised that I could not conceive any more babies. I didn’t know what had gone wrong exactly, (I found out much later) but the opinions I received from doctors at that time were laughable. One told me that awareness of over population had triggered me to ‘switch off’ my reproductive ability! Like a bunny in a crowded, cramped warren or a depressed mouse trapped in a scientist’s experiment.
‘Kinell’ (my Grand-dad’s favourite expletive is so appropriate at this point).
I remember exactly where I was and how I felt. It was an indefinable emotion then, so trying to express it in words now is impossible. I let that emotion colour my thinking for a few days and I meditated on it.
Suddenly it dawned on me that I did not have to physically procreate to satisfy my maternal instinct. I could just love everyone as IF they were my own!
This simple idea appealed to my personal form of logic. I could not possibly quell natural maternal instinct, and neither would I want to. It was simply a matter of directing the instinct to a much wider destination and thereby actually expanding it exponentially rather than contracting it to oblivion. What a terrific idea!
Have you ever taken good LSD or fresh psilocybin mushrooms? I have, a few times. Well, the burst of maternal instinct that accompanied my decision was JUST like a trip. Maybe I had triggered a ‘flash-back’ or released extra doses of dopamine? I couldn’t say, but I was ecstatic and eager to implement my new attitude immediately.
Fast forward to 2023……
I still feel that maternal love. It expanded ad infinitum to include all forms of life, all cosmic forces and infrastructure. It searched deep into the nature of things to glimpse the minutiae, recognising the micro within the macro. All of which is very easy to love, by the way.
The difficulty I am having, in the present, is another ‘indefinable emotion’. It is a mixture of indignation, rage, sadness and bafflement. It is colouring my thinking, but this time for weeks on end. It has stopped me from reading and writing.
If you have followed my writing over the recent decade, you will know that this has never happened before. I have been fully engaged in the various social media sites where I held accounts. I would write almost every day.
I figure I owe an explanation.
Maybe the events of the recent three years have so shocked me that I am numbed and dumbed? Or maybe I have bashed my head against that same old brick wall a few times too many? Maybe the echoes of my unheard warnings are returning to their point of origin, empty and useless, tired and too late to help anyone.
Maybe I am just angry to have been cancelled, rejected and diminished by judges and juries that never met me, yet sentenced me to permanent social isolation because my thoughts do not mimic theirs…. maybe….
Today I saw this post: https://markcrispinmiller.substack.com/p/are-the-vaccines-also-driving-people-3f7 and I read a lot of the comments there. I was reminded of this discussion between Fuellmich, Breggin & Wolf: https://rumble.com/v1ub5nk-reiner-fuellmich-suddenly-changed-personality-changes-after-mrna-injection.html.
Both the above links provide opinions on what could be causing personality changes in people.
Given that I am unvaxxed (no flu shots either), and given that I live like a hermit with very little human interaction, I am reluctant to accept that the changes are purely vaccine related. I am sure all vaccines are toxic, but major personality changes have been observed in animal experiments with microwave radiation.
I just had to mention that.....
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=Animal+studies+have+shown+that+microwave+radiation+causes+dramatic+personality+changes.&atb=v339-1&ia=web
Electro-magnetic radiation pulses around us all day and all night, unrelenting and increasing all the time. I wish more people would recognise how debilitating this is to all living things.
Is it any surprise to find ourselves feeling psychologically foggy?
#STOP5G
Everything.
Love IS everything to do with IT.
Like you, at a crucial moment in time, I also decided I could love no matter what, and it was a most wonderful thing in my life. No one had to love me back I could, and would always love them. No matter what.
But before that, when I was 14 or 15 God turned me inside out, as I was driving back along the Mexican coast after living on a beach for two weeks. Something happened and I became nothing but love.
I loved everyone and everything, as if the entire sun lived in my body.
When I returned to school the next week, completely brown from sleeping on the sand under the Mexican sky and wearing nothing but a green burlap tunic I'd found in Baja, the other students noticed me. At an age when we were all self conscious, and wanted to be popular, wearing stockings and bras and makeup, I came to school with bare face and legs, as flat chested as ever, and yet the cool girls wanted to dress like me (!), and popular boys suddenly wanted to "go out" with me.
It was the first and last time I've been utterly unselfconscious - it lasted about a month and slowly faded, but I experienced the state of total love a few more times in my life. At the time, my mother decided I'd experienced "cosmic consciousness".
Anyhow, I love you now and very few other people. You, the Dragon, Piscean 8 of Spades.
https://pdfcoffee.com/camp-robert-love-cards-1997-pdf-free.html
For three years, most days I feel like a ghost in my own life, everything is fading fast in the rear view mirror, all Once Upon a Time.
Thank you Frances for your love, the only thing that lasts forever.
PS
Fuck all the cancellers, rejecters and diminishers.