BULLIES
Last night I happened across a film on YouTube which had received acclaim when it was first shown in 2022. I had to use a VPN from USA to view it. For some obscure reason Brits are denied access any other way. They treat us like babies, don’t they?
The write up states:
A reclusive English teacher, living alone in the wake of a tragedy, attempts to reconnect with his teenage daughter for one last chance at redemption in filmmaker Darren Aronofsky's transcendent, emotional epic. Winner of two Academy Awards including Best Actor for Brendan Fraser's career-defining performance, The Whale is a deeply moving story of heartache, empathy, and grace.
All the way through I was appalled by the way every character was bullying the others. The main character, Charlie, bullies nobody and is actively dying before our eyes. However, that does not stop people from bullying him relentlessly.
Uncomfortably, several issues reared up for me but I felt compelled to continue watching. I felt there was a message in this film. An important one.
I recognised how much bullying goes on between people. Maybe I am feeling a bit sensitive to it. Maybe I am guilty of it myself. I squirmed, but I had to pick at those scabs, know what I mean?
I drifted into memories of moments that I would prefer to forget. Times when I was bullied and knew it but did not defend myself. Other times when I bullied people and came to regret it ruefully - but too late to correct.
I remembered myself as a health professional, a teenager, a wife and a mother. Flashes of anger, moments of extreme emotional shock. Every scene in the film elicited some painful correlations with my own personal experiences. It was a roller coaster but I clung on because Charlie, in his patience, deserved my attention and empathy.
After watching I continued to explore the impact it had on me.
I remembered having to defend my very grumpy younger brother while we played in London’s streets. At four years old he had an uncanny knack of offending everyone and, whether or not I saw or heard his offensive behaviour, I was tasked with looking after him by our mother. So I would wade in and fight off the bullies. I was only five and a half years old, punching boys years older and bigger than myself.
I remembered being a teenager, confused and disappointed by parental estrangement. Terrified by screaming violent fights which invariably woke me from my sleep. The time my father drove away while my mother, dressed in a nightgown, clung to the car hysterically and fell hard in the road.
I sped forward to the moment when I discovered that my adored husband, the father of my son, was having homosexual relations. I had previously weathered the humiliation of extra-marital affairs with women but this, after twelve years of marriage…. destroyed me completely. This man had repeatedly lectured me about fidelity. I teased him by referring to those bedtime discussions as “sanctity of marriage lectures”. I finally realised that guilt was his motivation.
I tried not to think about it all over again. You know how it is. We rerun those painful scenes and wish we had said or done something super smart but we didn’t.
I remembered being quick to defend others if they were bullied but I was less successful at self defence when I was the victim.
Nowadays I snap faster than a crocodile. Pain, age and experience have worn my patience down to zero. Later I invariably review my behaviour and regret having snapped but it is too late to correct my fierceness. Old habits die hard, as I said in my song. I catch myself assuming that I am being attacked or disbelieved. I struggle to speak and get angry if I have to repeat myself or am interrupted mid sentence. Walk away from me while I am trying to say something and I feel a wave of fury which prevents me from wanting to communicate with that person again.
Reviewing the film, The Whale, this morning has allowed me time to consolidate my thoughts on bullying.
I want to know how it affects you. Let me know in the comments please!
ONWARDS!
xx
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Thank you for your bravery, Frances. Very few people have the courage required for self-examination like that.
On a macro level, Western society deliberately encourages and rewards psychopathic narcissim and ramps up the narcissism of small differences. It atomises societies making nasty mercenaries of each individual and infects like a virus. Bully or be bullied and so on.
Having the strength of will to break from these "learned" cycles is painful and energy sapping. My best wishes to you.
So much of my own baggage, that requires constant attention to, surfaces while reading this. I empathize with and applaud your willingness to share these deep thoughts; I find few able or willing to even examine their own humanity. Thank you!